Thursday, August 18, 2011

Hey... PEACE, Where did you go?

Two months ago, I wrote a post about moving to Birmingham. When I wrote that post, I was so certain and sure and PEACEFUL about the decision Adam and I made for our family. We prayed about this decision for two weeks. We prayed for God's will to be done. We prayed for guidance. We told God we didn't want to go if it wasn't His will.

At the end of that two weeks... we both felt that God was calling us to Birmingham. We didn't know why or what would happen when we got there... but we felt called we answered. Adam accepted a promotion he was offerred and off he went. I explanied in my previous post about how Addison and I wouldn't be joining him until our house sold. We are now 7 weeks into having our house "for sale by owner" and we've had two phone calls and no showings. This doesn't freak me out as much as it does my husband. He is now living as a little nomad. Staying with friends and family until our situation changes and we are able to buy or rent. Which will not happen until our house sells. And we all know that this market is pure CRAP right now.

I think in my mind I wasn't panicked about moving yet because it felt so far off. Although I knew we would go eventually it seemed unreal to me that we would be uprooting our family and leaving everything that's comfortable to us. Lately I have been thinking about that's coming...and the peace I once had now ceases to exist. It's gone. I don't want to go. I don't want to leave my friends. I don't want to start over. I don't want to find a new church. I want to stay here and be comfortable (And I NEVER thought I would say that. I have been itching to get out of here for years).

I was warned by a friend that Satan would attack me, no matter what decision we made. If we chose NOT to go, he would play the head game of "you should have gone!" But we chose TO GO and now he's playing the head game of "was it the right choice." When I talk and think about moving to Birmingham... my chest gets tight. I feel BAD anxiety over it. And I CHOSE to believe this is Satan toying with me. I remember the peace I once felt about this decision. But that peaceful feeling is slipping away. It's almost gone. Actually, it IS gone. And it's a very VERY scary feeling for me.

I find myself asking these questions:
"How will I ever make friends?" 
"How will we find a new church that we love and loves us like the one we are member's of now?" 
"Will Addison feel like we uprooted her from what she knows?"
"Will my anxiety get the best of me and cause me to suffer?"
"Will we find the right house?"
"Will we regret leaving?"
"How will this affect my marriage?"
"Will it ever feel like HOME?"
"Will I ever feel truly comfortable and accepted there?"

The list goes on and on... but I find some peace in the Word's of my Savior:

Matthew 5:9  “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.
Matthew 11:28-30  Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”
John 14:27  Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.
John 16:33 I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

But if I am being honest here, and I am, my flesh takes over and I want to stay comfortable. I don't want to "start over." I don't want to be the "outider" again. Then I read these...

Philippians 4:6-7  "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
1 Peter 1:2 "according to the foreknowledge of God the Father, in the sanctification of the Spirit, for obedience to Jesus Christ and for sprinkling with his blood:  May grace and peace be multiplied to you."
Isaiah 12:2  “Behold, God is my salvation; I will trust, and will not be afraid; for  the LORD GOD is my strength and my song, and he has become my salvation.”
Romans 5:1  "Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we  have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ"

... and I take some comfort in the Word. But I am not perfect. I am fleshly. I am a sinner. I naturally go to this "peaceful-less" place. Some may call me a pesimist, worry wart or negative. It's how my mind is wired. But I assure you, I am lively, I am fun and I love the Lord with all my heart. I have more faith than ever before so I am prepared. I am prepared to fight this battle against Satan. I am armoured with Jesus and God's Word. So each time I feel this anxiety, this loss of peace, I am vowing to read these verses which I have printed and taped in my Erin Condren Life Planner (and I don't go anywhere without that thing) :)


Tiffany said...

John 14:27 is one of my favorite verses. I recite it often because these same doubts creep into my mind. Of course, my peace is in a different fashion from yours, but we all have our areas of doubt/struggle. We're waiting (sometimes patiently, sometimes no-so-patiently) to be parents. And there are so many uncertainties. But the one very certain thing is that God expects my complete dependence. I TOTALLY forget that and tend to think I can handle things on my own and most certainly, within MY time frame. But God is good...and he loves us so. I'm excited for y'all, for your move and for what God is doing in your lives. Hang in there! I just said a prayer for you, for your peace, for that house to SELL and for all of the lucky people that get to be your new friend. :)

Leslie said...

Oh girl...I have been there and I have felt all of these things. Jonathan and I moved four times in our first four years of marriage (and we'll do it again next summer) and with every single move Satan attacked my thoughts and made me question our choice. I wish I could say that everything will work out perfectly, but it might be hard and it might take time. And that's where clinging to God's Word comes in, and remembering the certainty you felt when you and Adam prayerfully made this decision. God is going to Birmingham before you, paving the way, and He is going to be right there with you through it all!

Blue-Eyed Bride said...

I love you so much and you are in my prayers daily. I have been praying for your house to sell and for y'all to get back with Adam soon!!! But now I'll be praying for peace and a little bit of quiet for you so you can seek the peace that you need to feel good about this move again. God's promises are true and I believe that this is going to be a great thing for y'all. You are not alone. Xoxo

elizabeth said...

Peace is a funny word, you can be at peace with something but still have doubts and questions sneak up on you when you least expect it. Making new friends in a new city is hard but I've actually found that it is easier when you have kids. Once you get your little one involved in school or playgroup or anything really you'll be able to meet other moms! Good Luck!

Ashley said...

My husband and I are in almost the exact same situation - we are 7 weeks in to living apart. He started his new job in a new town (hours and hours away) and I am staying while we try to sell our house. It is so frustrating sometimes but I'm learning that God is always teaching us something in these hard times. Our house will sell when only God is ready for me to move and be with my husband again. I'll be praying for y'all!

Megan said...

I can't relate to this exact thing but I can relate to the feelings of lies constantly filling my mind and desperately desiring peace. I will start praying that you will hear the truth through all the lines. You are taking the awesome first steps of filling your mind with the word! Something I need to do more of!

LAURA@laurasblondemoments said...

I am praying for peace for you and can't imagine how hard it must be to be seperated in different cities right now.

Everytime my husband and I bring up the thought of moving to a different city, we pray about it and end up staying put. So I can only imagine being in your place in the next year or so (if the market ever gets any better).

I am a new follower to your blog but love your blog and you have the cutest family! I love all of the scripture and how uplifting you are in every season :)


Mrs. Stethoscope said...

I;m praying for you guys, that God will surround you with a peace so comforting, you know it could only come from him... however I know just like you said our flesh is weak its hard to trust... so while I pray that you will find peace for your inner torment I also pray that God will keep your heart and mind busy doing things with your sweet girl, that you dont have the time to wonder to the "what ifs"

Anonymous said...

I keep the Philippians one in my wallet and pull it out anytime I'm feeling anxious. I know things are going to work out for you... it's just waiting and wondering that I have trouble with too.