This will be, without a doubt, the hardest post I have ever written. It will be long, emotional and deep. Tears will be shed as I type this out because this is a raw post that I want to journal and remember.
On Wednesday, December 6, we went to the doctor to hear our sweet baby's heartbeat. But there was nothing to hear. We learned that day, that we had lost our baby. Our sweet baby had gone to be with Jesus. And THAT my friends, is where I find my peace today.
Wednesday, I was 13 weeks. So relieved that the first trimester was over. That's the crucial time. That's when you n relax, and worry a little less. Except my worry turned into full on panic as our nurse couldn't find a heartbeat with the Doppler. She told me not to worry before she ever started the Doppler because I was only 13 weeks and it may be tough to find since the baby was still so small. So for the first 30+ seconds (that felt like 15 minutes) I didn't panic. But after a minute, I looked over at Adam with huge tears in my eyes. And I knew. I just knew. It's something only a mother can feel. And I never understood when people said "I knew something was wrong." I didn't get it. Until that moment. I had a fear a few weeks ago that something wasn't right. But I prayed through it. Nothing felt wrong physically but then again it did emotionally. But I didn't tell anyone out of fear that I was being paranoid.
I was very sick and nauseous for the first 9 weeks and then suddenly things got so much better. I had my energy back (which I didn't get back with Addison for 20+ weeks), I wasn't sick anymore and I just felt better all around. I was so thankful for that. But today, it all adds up. When I was feeling better, that's when our baby's heart stopped beating. That is a gut wrenching feeling.
When the nurse couldn't find the heartbeat after a couple of minutes, my heart sank. But she still insisted that we not panic. She wanted to get the doctor and do a sonogram. So I said a silent prayer and knew that God was in control and felt some peace at that moment.
We sat in the sonogram room for an hour. WITH ADDISON. Trying to entertain a 2 year old when you are scared is tough. As strange as it sounds, I felt a peace, but I also felt nervous. Adam and I didn't talk much about what "could be." I don't think either of us wanted to go there. Neither of us wanted to imagine it could happen to us. I mean, it couldn't, right? Finally our doctor came in, started the sonogram, and without the sound up on the machine, I knew immediately. I could see our baby on the screen and I knew it wasn't a 13 week baby. I could see it hadn't grown to what it should be. But I waited patiently without completely losing it. He then told us the most horrifying words I have ever heard in my life, "No, Lyndsey, I don't see a heartbeat. I'm so sorry." And I lost it. I mean, like I have never lost it before. It was as if someone had punched me in the stomach and tore my heart out all at once. About 30 seconds later, I opened my eyes filled with tears and saw my sweet Addison clinching her daddy's shirt out of fear because she had never seen her mommy cry before. And my heart broke again. The doctor called another doctor in to confirm there was no heartbeat. I barely remember all that, because I was a complete mess.
I could not pull it together. The thought that my baby was no longer alive, was too much to bare. I never could have imagined in a million years the pain I would feel. It's indescribable. I don't know how to explain it, except to say, I lost a part of me that day. My body was helping grow and develop that baby for 13 weeks and now, no more. I know how much I love Addison and how much I loved this baby and the thought of not holding this baby, kissing this baby, watching this baby grow up into the person God made them to be...that alone was enough to send me to my knees.
The rest of the doctor's visit was awful. I don't remember much, just bits and pieces. The doctor told me I had three options. The first two were NOT an option for me. They were basically to miscarry at home, naturally. He told me it would be painful and there would be risks such as infection and hemorrhaging. That scared me enough and it could take a while to happen. Emotionally, I just couldn't do that. So we decided to do a D and C. Then the thought of being put under anesthesia freaked me out, but again...all options suck, but that felt like the best for me. So we scheduled the D and C for Thursday at 12:00 pm. We were home by lunchtime and I was a mess. But I didn't want to lay and cry. I wanted to pray and talk to God and I wanted to stay busy. So I did just that. I stayed in Addison's room alone for a while and kept busy but I also cried. A lot. I prayed. A lot. One thing I didn't do was ask "Why?" I knew God had His reasons. I wanted to praise Him in this storm. And I did. My sadness is still present today. And I am aware that the sadness over this loss may never completely go away. But I do know that we will have more children one day. I know, for sure, I feel God calling me to have more children.
I have talked to lots of women over several days who have suffered the same kind of loss. It's insane to me how common this is. Scary really. My best friend went through this a year ago and just a few weeks ago, she welcomed a beautiful, healthy baby boy. Praise God for that.
Thursday we had to be at the hospital at 10:00 am. My mom and dad came into town that morning and were at the hospital the whole time. Adam's dad was there also. His mom picked Addison up from school and took care of her for us. My surgery went fine. The procedure was about 20-30 minutes. I was in recovery for an hour. I was in more pain than the doctor wanted me to be because he had to give me extra medicine to keep my uterus firm. So all afternoon Thursday I was having contractions. Like, having a baby, dilated to a 5 contractions. It was tough. Feeling those the same way I did with Addison, but not having a baby was a struggle. I am healing physically and emotionally. We can't try for another baby for several months. That's tough. But I also know it's necessary. So, we shall wait. And we shall try again.
If I am being honest, I have had lots of selfish thoughts over the past two days. Like, "Was this a boy or a girl?" "I wanted THIS baby and I wanted it in June!" "Would he/she been like me or Adam?" "What would he/she look like?" "I don't want to wait three months to try." I could go on and on. And I realize how trivial and small and selfish they all are. I told Adam before I even say it, I know how ridiculous it sounds. But they are natural thoughts, I have to assume. I have prayed that God would forgive me for these selfish thoughts.
My heart aches, even today, but I know that God is in complete control of my life. And I would have it NO other way. I wouldn't want anyone else in the drivers seat. Even myself. I know that He knows best. That His plan for my life is perfect. I seek only His will and I praise Him through it.
These Bible verses really hit home for me more now than ever:
"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
"And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:19
"As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb,
so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things." Ecclesiastes 11:5
"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6
" So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30
I want to personally thank each and every one of you that prayed for me, even if you didn't know exactly what was going on. I felt every prayer. I thank God for those prayers. They, alone, are what got me through the day of the surgery and the days to follow. I felt a great peace and contentment that can only come from God through prayer. Thank you for all of your calls, texts, messages, emails, flowers, meals...everything! I could never repay you for the kindness you have displayed to me and my family. Between family, friends and our church family, we have just been bathed in prayer the last several days. May God bless you all.
I know we have a long, never ending, road ahead. The sense of loss is strong today, but I know that God is with us. We will never forget this baby. We will always have one child in Heaven. Although we never knew that child, it was still ours. God gave us that child and we loved it already. We were so excited to welcome it into this world. But God had greater plans. So we give this baby to God. And we still praise Him. For we trust in the Lord our God more than we trust in anything else. And THAT, is what will give us great peace ALWAYS!