Monday, December 12, 2011

Our loss

This will be, without a doubt, the hardest post I have ever written. It will be long, emotional and deep. Tears will be shed as I type this out because this is a raw post that I want to journal and remember.
On Wednesday, December 6, we went to the doctor to hear our sweet baby's heartbeat. But there was nothing to hear. We learned that day, that we had lost our baby. Our sweet baby had gone to be with Jesus. And THAT my friends, is where I find my peace today.

Wednesday, I was 13 weeks. So relieved that the first trimester was over. That's the crucial time. That's when you n relax, and worry a little less. Except my worry turned into full on panic as our nurse couldn't find a heartbeat with the Doppler. She told me not to worry before she ever started the Doppler because I was only 13 weeks and it may be tough to find since the baby was still so small. So for the first 30+ seconds (that felt like 15 minutes) I didn't panic. But after a minute, I looked over at Adam with huge tears in my eyes. And I knew. I just knew. It's something only a mother can feel. And I never understood when people said "I knew something was wrong." I didn't get it. Until that moment. I had a fear a few weeks ago that something wasn't right. But I prayed through it. Nothing felt wrong physically but then again it did emotionally. But I didn't tell anyone out of fear that I was being paranoid.

I was very sick and nauseous for the first 9 weeks and then suddenly things got so much better. I had my energy back (which I didn't get back with Addison for 20+ weeks), I wasn't sick anymore and I just felt better all around. I was so thankful for that. But today, it all adds up. When I was feeling better, that's when our baby's heart stopped beating. That is a gut wrenching feeling.

When the nurse couldn't find the heartbeat after a couple of minutes, my heart sank. But she still insisted that we not panic. She wanted to get the doctor and do a sonogram. So I said a silent prayer and knew that God was in control and felt some peace at that moment.

We sat in the sonogram room for an hour. WITH ADDISON. Trying to entertain a 2 year old when you are scared is tough. As strange as it sounds, I felt a peace, but I also felt nervous. Adam and I didn't talk much about what "could be." I don't think either of us wanted to go there. Neither of us wanted to imagine it could happen to us. I mean, it couldn't, right? Finally our doctor came in, started the sonogram, and without the sound up on the machine, I knew immediately. I could see our baby on the screen and I knew it wasn't a 13 week baby. I could see it hadn't grown to what it should be. But I waited patiently without completely losing it. He then told us the most horrifying words I have ever heard in my life, "No, Lyndsey, I don't see a heartbeat. I'm so sorry." And I lost it. I mean, like I have never lost it before. It was as if someone had punched me in the stomach and tore my heart out all at once. About 30 seconds later, I opened my eyes filled with tears and saw my sweet Addison clinching her daddy's shirt out of fear because she had never seen her mommy cry before. And my heart broke again. The doctor called another doctor in to confirm there was no heartbeat. I barely remember all that, because I was a complete mess.

I could not pull it together. The thought that my baby was no longer alive, was too much to bare. I never could have imagined in a million years the pain I would feel. It's indescribable. I don't know how to explain it, except to say, I lost a part of me that day. My body was helping grow and develop that baby for 13 weeks and now, no more. I know how much I love Addison and how much I loved this baby and the thought of not holding this baby, kissing this baby, watching this baby grow up into the person God made them to be...that alone was enough to send me to my knees.

The rest of the doctor's visit was awful. I don't remember much, just bits and pieces. The doctor told me I had three options. The first two were NOT an option for me. They were basically to miscarry at home, naturally. He told me it would be painful and there would be risks such as infection and hemorrhaging. That scared me enough and it could take a while to happen. Emotionally, I just couldn't do that. So we decided to do a D and C. Then the thought of being put under anesthesia freaked me out, but again...all options suck, but that felt like the best for me. So we scheduled the D and C for Thursday at 12:00 pm. We were home by lunchtime and I was a mess. But I didn't want to lay and cry. I wanted to pray and talk to God and I wanted to stay busy. So I did just that. I stayed in Addison's room alone for a while and kept busy but I also cried. A lot. I prayed. A lot. One thing I didn't do was ask "Why?" I knew God had His reasons. I wanted to praise Him in this storm. And I did. My sadness is still present today. And I am aware that the sadness over this loss may never completely go away. But I do know that we will have more children one day. I know, for sure, I feel God calling me to have more children.

I have talked to lots of women over several days who have suffered the same kind of loss. It's insane to me how common this is. Scary really. My best friend went through this a year ago and just a few weeks ago, she welcomed a beautiful, healthy baby boy. Praise God for that.

Thursday we had to be at the hospital at 10:00 am. My mom and dad came into town that morning and were at the hospital the whole time. Adam's dad was there also. His mom picked Addison up from school and took care of her for us. My surgery went fine. The procedure was about 20-30 minutes. I was in recovery for an hour. I was in more pain than the doctor wanted me to be because he had to give me extra medicine to keep my uterus firm. So all afternoon Thursday I was having contractions. Like, having a baby, dilated to a 5 contractions. It was tough. Feeling those the same way I did with Addison, but not having a baby was a struggle. I am healing physically and emotionally. We can't try for another baby for several months. That's tough. But I also know it's necessary. So, we shall wait. And we shall try again.

If I am being honest, I have had lots of selfish thoughts over the past two days. Like, "Was this a boy or a girl?" "I wanted THIS baby and I wanted it in June!" "Would he/she been like me or Adam?" "What would he/she look like?" "I don't want to wait three months to try." I could go on and on. And I realize how trivial and small and selfish they all are. I told Adam before I even say it, I know how ridiculous it sounds. But they are natural thoughts, I have to assume. I have prayed that God would forgive me for these selfish thoughts.

My heart aches, even today, but I know that God is in complete control of my life. And I would have it NO other way. I wouldn't want anyone else in the drivers seat. Even myself. I know that He knows best. That His plan for my life is perfect. I seek only His will and I praise Him through it.

These Bible verses really hit home for me more now than ever:

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

"And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:19

"As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb,
so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things." Ecclesiastes 11:5


"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

" So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

I want to personally thank each and every one of you that prayed for me, even if you didn't know exactly what was going on. I felt every prayer. I thank God for those prayers. They, alone, are what got me through the day of the surgery and the days to follow. I felt a great peace and contentment that can only come from God through prayer. Thank you for all of your calls, texts, messages, emails, flowers, meals...everything! I could never repay you for the kindness you have displayed to me and my family. Between family, friends and our church family, we have just been bathed in prayer the last several days. May God bless you all.

I know we have a long, never ending, road ahead. The sense of loss is strong today, but I know that God is with us. We will never forget this baby. We will always have one child in Heaven. Although we never knew that child, it was still ours. God gave us that child and we loved it already. We were so excited to welcome it into this world. But God had greater plans. So we give this baby to God. And we still praise Him. For we trust in the Lord our God more than we trust in anything else. And THAT, is what will give us great peace ALWAYS!

To our sweet baby: We will see you again. We will meet you one day face to face. We will kiss your face and touch your skin and feel your heartbeat. What a joyous day that will be. Until then, knowing you have seen Jesus' face and will walk with him always will give us great strength and peace.



68 comments:

Mrs. Monologues said...

I am so sorry for your loss. Sending prayers of strength your way in this difficult time.

Charity said...

Oh Lynds..... <3

Muffy said...

So sorry darling!!!!! You are in my prayers. :(

Mateya said...

So sorry to hear this! Praying for comfort and healing!

Grits said...

So, so sorry to hear this. Saying prayers for you and your family!!!

Megan said...

Lyndsay, my thoughts and prayers have been with the these past few days. Praying for you always! Love~

Diary of a Domestic Failure said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. I have lost a baby too and it gut wrenching. I hope your heart, body and mind heal quickly and you continue to find solace in your faith.

Chas said...

My heart hurts for you, the same thing happened to us last summer.

Puttin' On The GRITS said...

I am so sorry lynds! I am praying for you and your family. Xoxox!

3girlsmom said...

Oh friend. My heart hurts for you. I have lost 3 babies. Someone told me once that when I get to heaven, I will get to start raising my babies. I can't wait for that day. How blessed are we to get to raise babies on earth and in heaven? Praying for you and Adam.

And completely unrelated, but also cool, my brother's name is Adam and his wife's name is Lindsay. :)

Stephanie Marie said...

I am so sorry, Lyndsey. One of my very best friends just went through all of this and I am heartbroken that you are having to endure that same pain. I have been praying for you ever since you posted on twitter and will keep you all in my prayers as you grieve the loss of your precious baby.

Kate said...

I am so sorry for the loss y'all have experienced. Know that you, Adam and your entire family are in my thoughts.

Lynsey said...

I am so sorry Lynds! My heart aches for you and Adam and Addison. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your sweet family!

Mandy said...

I am so so sorry for your loss. I will praying for you and your family

Chas said...

Sorry my last comment was too short. You will never forget this baby, and you'll think of it when Addison and especially your future children reach certain milestones. I find great comfort in knowing our little baby is watching over Georgia with a happy heart. I also never asked WHY because I know God took the baby for a reason, and it showed me just how delicate life is and how blessed I was to finally have a healthy pregnancy and, finally, a healthy baby. Please email if you ever need someone "anonymous" to talk to about this (since we don't know one another). It was difficult for me to get through adn I stayed terrified during my entire pregnancy with Georgia.

Heather said...

I am SO very sorry for your loss!

Jenna said...

Lyndsey, I am so so sorry to hear about this. Praying so hard for your sweet family. Ya'll are loved!!

Sunshinemeg said...

I am truly sorry for the loss of your child. Your family is in my thoughts and prayers.

Blue-Eyed Bride said...

I love you, sweet friend and I love your sweet heart. I am so sorry for your loss and we'll continue to pray for all of you as you grieve and heal. Much love!

USCEmily said...

Sending many prayers your way during this difficult time of loss. You'll be prayed for and thought of daily. xoxo

Paige said...

I'm so sorry to hear this. Thinking of you and your sweet family.

Kelly said...

you are in my thoughts and prayers! you have incredible strength for sharing this story, may you feel the load a little less for doing so. stay strong! <3

Rachel said...

Praying for you! A song for you...Glory Baby by Christy Nockels of Watermark

Greta said...

Lyndsey, I'm so sorry. :(

Tiffany said...

I am so heartbroken for you. There is nothing I can say to take away the pain but please know I am praying for you. And I really will. This is a deep loss and my heart hurts for you and Adam. I hope you feel comfort, love and the peace of Christ from those around you who are praying for you. XOXO

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and He saves those whose spirits ahve been crushed" ~ Psalms 34:19

i'm jess said...

So sorry to read this news, my heart is aching for you and your little family... you are in my thoughts!

acerny said...

Lyndsay, I am so sorry for your loss! I also had a loss two weeks ago and though it was the hardest thing I have ever been through, it does get easier with each day! I will be praying for y'all!

Amy said...

so sorry for your loss! i have been there, too and i know how heartbreaking it is!! praying for continued peace and comfort during this time. what a blessing to know that we will see our babies in heaven!

Angela said...

I'am so, so sorry for your loss. I lost a baby the same way at 12 weeks, went in for a routing appt. and our babies heart had stopped beating. Those are words a parent should never have to hear. Reading your post I cried for you because I know how deep that pain is. How hard it was to explain to my then two year old what was going on. I will pray for you. I will tell you though that after I had my miscarriage, I was amazed by the number of women who had gone through the same thing! It was like becoming a member of a club I never wanted to join. After my miscarriage I did go on to have two more healthy, happy girls and am actually now pregnant with my fourth. I still think about my baby in heaven, and I can't wait to see him/her when I get there! What a wonderful blessing it is for us to know Jesus and know that tour babies are in His arms, waiting for us!

elizabeth said...

I am so very sorry for your loss :( Sending lots of prayers and hugs for you and your family!

Paige said...

I am so very sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine your pain, but your strength and courage through all of this is completely amazing. The Lord is not only working for you, but working through you. I will saying many prayers for you and your family.

Katie said...

Lyndsey, I am so sorry for your loss. You & your family have been in my thoughts & prayers & will continue to be. I am so sorry.

Erin said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I will keep you and your family i my prayers

Karen At Home said...

I am so horribly sorry for your loss! It breaks my heart so much to read this post. I felt like I was living through it with you, over the course of 5 years, I have lost 5 babies all at different stages. My heart just breaks for you because I have been that crying girl on on the ultra sound table too, not clearly remembering everything because it was just too painful to bare. My prayers go out to you and your baby.

Day Old News said...

My prayers are with you. Your post is beautifully written and you are a strong woman. Hope you have a Merry Christmas with your family.

Lindsay said...

Oh Lynds, I am so so sorry. Praying for you all as you heal and grieve.

KM said...

I am SO very sorry. Your sweet family has been in my prayers daily. Thank you for sharing. {{{HUGS}}} to your entire family.

Lucy Marie said...

I know we just met in the twitter world a few weeks ago, but I just want you to know how sorry I am for your loss. This post brought tears to my eyes and I am praying for your family as you go through this. God bless you, sweet girl.

Meg said...

I am SO very sorry. Sorry never feels like enough, truth be told, it just isn't enough. God is enough, and today I lift you to him. I have been there, I have felt that ache, I have cried those tears. Yes, I have been there, and today that is why I plead for His mercy on your behalf.
Should you feel led, you can read my story here....

http://mytwobeautifulblessings.blogspot.com/2011/10/national-pregnancy-and-infant-loss-day.html


May you find rest in the palm of his mighty hand~

Susannah said...

Sweet friend, I am still thinking of you and praying for you and Adam. I know how deep your pain is and am here if you want to talk. Much love and hugs!

Gwen said...

Lyndsey my heart breaks for you. You and your family are in my prayers.

Leslie said...

I am so sorry for your loss, Lyndsey, and will be praying for you through this difficult time. Your baby's life mattered, and it is normal and right to wonder about him or her and to grieve this loss, all while having faith in our amazing God who is big enough to handle all of our questions and hurts. Much love to you and Adam!

ourhomeinprogress said...

I'm so sad for you guys! But I know that your sweet baby is in a better place. I teared up while reading this and can only imagine what you are going through. Lots of hugs and prayers going your way!

Meagan

Wendy said...

So sorry for your loss Lyndsey. I saw the Twitter notes and FB comments and knew something like this had happened. You shouldn't be ashamed by your selfish thoughts at all - like you said - it's just natural to think those things. I will pray for you and your family and your little angel. Bless you and your sweet family this Christmas!

Christina Cadden said...

Praying for you guys. Sorry for you loss.

BeckyJo606 said...

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I will be thinking of your family and praying for you all as you heal from this loss.

Sonya said...

I'm so sorry Lyndsey. Thank you for sharing your heart in this situation. Praying for you and your family as you heal.

Rachel said...

Lyndsey....I am lifting you up in prayer and will continue to do so. I am so sorry that you have had to go through this, but God is certainly using you through it. This post, was such a testament to Him and the power He has to comfort and take care of us.

Sending you a big hug and praying for y'all.

California Wife said...

I'm so sorry to hear this news Lyndsey, I'll be keeping your family in my prayers as you heal from this loss.

Allyson said...

So very sorry for the loss of your sweet angel! Praying for peace and strength.

Little Miss Diva said...

I am so sorry for your loss Lyndsey. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Baby Mama said...

I'm so sorry. This exact same thing happened to me in September. It is devastating. Thinking of you and your family.

Michelle said...

My husband and I suffered a loss in February. I was 9 weeks, our first pregnancy. God richly blessed us and I was pregnant by Easter. Our son was born 6 weeks early but is almost a month old now. This verse has comforted me this year: "Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." Proverbs 19:21
Please email if you'd like to chat, want someone to pray with, etc. xo Michelle theurbanwhisk@gmail.com

Shasta Anne said...

Hi sweet friend, so saddened to hear of your loss. I'm praying for you and Adam, keeping you both close in my thoughts and prayers. You wrote a beautiful, honest post that will likely help many other women. Please know that you are an amazing woman and you are loved. Xoxo

Katie Parris said...

I love you.. Prayers for all of you

Mama Fee said...

I am so sorry for your loss! You are so strong to share this and help us relate with each other!

SWV said...

I'm so sorry for your loss, Lyndsey. You, Adam & Addison are in our prayers. Love.

Ashley said...

I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your heart and I will be lifting you up in prayer in the days to come.

Fabiola said...

I just got to your blog. It is like God sent me. I've been in your shoes twice. It is hard, it is painful and you just don't forget.
The pain and sense of loss get smaller as time goes by.
The only advice I can give you: take your time healing (physically and emotionally).

Praying for you!!

Fabiola

Lindsey said...

Oh Lynds, I'm so sorry for your loss. I am praying for you and your dear sweet family during this difficult time!!

Shannon said...

There are truly no words at a time like this...just know that I am terribly sorry for your loss and that my thoughts are with you and your family.

Katie said...

I am so, so sorry for your loss. I am praying for you and your family in this time of grief.

Laura @ My Thoughts-Uninterrupted said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I will be praying for you and your recovery both physical and emotional.

Jenna said...

You have been weighing so heavily on my heart. I just want you to know that I am continuing to pray for you! I went through this 3 years ago. I've never shared this before, but Chris got me a special bracelet that I wear to memorialize the baby we lost. It gives me comfort to have that and know that he or she will never be forgotten.

J. said...

I'm so sorry for your loss :(

Emily said...

I love you so very much and I have prayed for you every single day! I have been lighting candles too for your healing! I am always here for you! Always!

Ashley said...

Lyndsey, I know that you posted this a while ago, but I originally read it on my phone, which is difficult to comment from. Even though it has been a little while, for some reason i feel compelled to tell you that I have been praying for you and your family. I follow you on twitter, and saw your tweet about waiting to hear the baby's heartbeat, and then I for some reason REALLY noticed that you didn't post anything after that. It was immediately on my heart to pray for you, not really knowing why, but I did, and I continued to, as I do now. I don't know why I feel so compelled to tell you this, but I do. I am so, so sorry for your loss, and I will continue to pray for peace and healing.

Brown Girl said...

I haven't blogged in a long long time, in fact I didn't even know you had a new blog. I know this is late but I want you to know how deeply sorry I am, I can not even pretend to understand the loss you must feel, but I am thinking of you and your family. xoxo